My doctor has confirmed my worst fear. We are losing this baby. It is funny how at peace I feel in this moment though. I can truly feel the prayers of so many people cover us right now. God is near and is covering us in this time of need.
The good thing is, my doctor believes I am already taking care of this miscarriage naturally, and he doesn't think I will need any assistance through medication or D&C. But I have a follow-up appointment next week to be certain. On the way home my cramping got worse and by the time I got home I was in such excruciating pain I couldn't hardly handle it. It was so painful it was making me vomit and I just felt like it would never end. It has ended though... and now an hour or so later I feel "normal". I really hope and pray that was it and the pain will stay away.
I am learning more and more about God's sovereignty. That I am truly not in control (even of the things that I think I am). I am constantly reminded to be on my knees and to surrender. I have all these plans and timetables of when I think things should happen. I think I need to learn to be patient and to truly wait on the Lord in faithfulness and trust. This has been a difficult lesson to learn.
5.25.2010
Please let today be over.
I just want this day to be over. I have my doctors appointment at 1pm and I almost feel like not going because I already know what he is going to tell me. Of course I will go. I am just sooo tired... tired of trying and being disappointed. Tired of the roller coaster of emotions. I'm tired of this being our struggle.
All I can do is just sit here and cry today. And I know that's okay... I need to grieve and just get it out. I don't really feel like talking to anyone but Jordan. I don't know how I am going to face work tomorrow. It is hard, because I just don't feel like people understand how devastating miscarriage is. It is completely heart breaking and devastating. I know I never held my baby or saw her or anything... it was a dream that came true for only a matter of weeks. But it was real.
It is hard to pull out my chart again and know I am going to need to start temping and buy some OPK's soon. I was hoping to be done with that for 9 months.
I have some decisions to make now. First - I just need to see what the doctor says today... he may recommend some "assistance" in getting this miscarriage overwith. Many women go the D&C route, which pretty much is surgery where they dilate your cervix and scrape out the insides of your uterus. There are obviously risks with this... and it makes me terrified, but the good part of that is that it is definitively over. Or I can just want for it all to happen naturally... which could take weeks upon weeks. Or I could take medication to induce miscarriage... pretty much causing my uterus to contract and in a matter of a day or two, get rid of everything. I've heard that is pretty painful too. I don't know what to do. But I do know that this has not scared me away from getting pregnant and I want to start trying again as soon as I can. I don't want this miscarriage to last for another month. I want it to be over.
I've started cramping a little bit today. All of my pregnancy symptoms are gone. After thinking about it - I realized that most of them left the day before I started bleeding. Heartburn, peeing all the time, sore boobs, etc... nothing on Friday. Thursday I was beside myself in pain with heartburn and was waking up in the middle of the night and needing to go to the bathroom... Friday... nothing. I noticed this on Friday, but just took it as symptoms just changing (as is to be expected). But little did I know it meant something.
I want you all to know that I really really appreciate your prayers. I don't write this blog so people will feel sorry for me or whatever. It is truly therapeutic for me to get this out... and I hope that it is an easy way for you to understand what is going on without feeling awkward about asking (because I know that happens). And hopefully... someday someone else will be going through the same thing and they'll be able to read about my experience and find some comfort in it. I know that I have found comfort in stories I've read about other women who have gone through the same thing. It is good to know we're not alone in our suffering.
When I named my blog "Those Who Trust"... I had no idea how much trust I would need to have in this next year. I need to trust in God's goodness... sovereignty... unfailing love. I need to trust even when I don't feel like it... when I feel like giving up and crawling into a hole and wishing the world would just HOLD ON for a minute. But life goes on and so must I. And I just gotta trust. So - pray for trust for me... and peace... and patience. All of the above. Thanks, and love you all.
All I can do is just sit here and cry today. And I know that's okay... I need to grieve and just get it out. I don't really feel like talking to anyone but Jordan. I don't know how I am going to face work tomorrow. It is hard, because I just don't feel like people understand how devastating miscarriage is. It is completely heart breaking and devastating. I know I never held my baby or saw her or anything... it was a dream that came true for only a matter of weeks. But it was real.
It is hard to pull out my chart again and know I am going to need to start temping and buy some OPK's soon. I was hoping to be done with that for 9 months.
I have some decisions to make now. First - I just need to see what the doctor says today... he may recommend some "assistance" in getting this miscarriage overwith. Many women go the D&C route, which pretty much is surgery where they dilate your cervix and scrape out the insides of your uterus. There are obviously risks with this... and it makes me terrified, but the good part of that is that it is definitively over. Or I can just want for it all to happen naturally... which could take weeks upon weeks. Or I could take medication to induce miscarriage... pretty much causing my uterus to contract and in a matter of a day or two, get rid of everything. I've heard that is pretty painful too. I don't know what to do. But I do know that this has not scared me away from getting pregnant and I want to start trying again as soon as I can. I don't want this miscarriage to last for another month. I want it to be over.
I've started cramping a little bit today. All of my pregnancy symptoms are gone. After thinking about it - I realized that most of them left the day before I started bleeding. Heartburn, peeing all the time, sore boobs, etc... nothing on Friday. Thursday I was beside myself in pain with heartburn and was waking up in the middle of the night and needing to go to the bathroom... Friday... nothing. I noticed this on Friday, but just took it as symptoms just changing (as is to be expected). But little did I know it meant something.
I want you all to know that I really really appreciate your prayers. I don't write this blog so people will feel sorry for me or whatever. It is truly therapeutic for me to get this out... and I hope that it is an easy way for you to understand what is going on without feeling awkward about asking (because I know that happens). And hopefully... someday someone else will be going through the same thing and they'll be able to read about my experience and find some comfort in it. I know that I have found comfort in stories I've read about other women who have gone through the same thing. It is good to know we're not alone in our suffering.
When I named my blog "Those Who Trust"... I had no idea how much trust I would need to have in this next year. I need to trust in God's goodness... sovereignty... unfailing love. I need to trust even when I don't feel like it... when I feel like giving up and crawling into a hole and wishing the world would just HOLD ON for a minute. But life goes on and so must I. And I just gotta trust. So - pray for trust for me... and peace... and patience. All of the above. Thanks, and love you all.
5.24.2010
The best and the worst.
** FYI... some of what I say in here may be TMI for some people... don't say I didn't warn you**
May 3, 2010 was one of the best days of my life. I got up on that Monday morning and took a pregnancy test on a whim. I knew it was early, only 10dpo, but I had a test so I thought, what the heck. I took the test, set it on the bedside table, and got back to reading my devotions. I somewhat forgot about it, seeing as I had seen hundreds of "Not Pregnant" tests before, but happened to glance at it... seeing the bold clear words "Pregnant". I was thrilled! After 10 months of trying, we finally had our BFP. I had a fun way I was hoping to share my pregnancy news with Jordan but when I saw the test, all of that flew out the window and I went to the bathroom where he was shaving and shoved the test in front of his face. He smiled, said "Cool!" and we couldn't have been happier. The next couple of weeks were spent dreaming about this little one, planning how we would arrange the nursery and guest bedroom, and beginning to hack at our long list of names that we loved.
That didn't last for long though. On May 22, 2010, at 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, I noticed some spotting when I went to the bathroom. Knowing that it could be completely normal, I kind of wrote it off, but when it continued through the afternoon I called my doctors office and spoke to the on-call doctor. He pretty much told me to rest easy, but if the bleeding got heavier to go to the ER. The bleeding stayed the same for most of Saturday, but on Sunday morning I found that it wasn't just spotting anymore, but a lot of blood - clots and all. Jordan had to play at church, but I didn't, so I was at home by myself and called Jordan freaking out - telling him that we needed to go to the ER. He found someone to cover for him the 2nd half of the service, and came home so we could go to the ER. The bleeding continued and we waited in the ER for nearly 2 hours before we were seen. I had a regular ultrasound and a transvaginal ultrasound which showed a gestational sac, but no yolk sac or fetal pole. I also had bloodwork done which showed my HCG levels in the 700 range, which is very low for 6 weeks. All of this - not good signs. 5 hours later... we arrived home, and heartbroken.
The bleeding has continued through today. I don't really know what to make of all of this. I suppose there is a glimmer of hope that this baby could still be alive, but in reality with the information we have, I know that is a long shot. I don't even really know what to feel. I am devastated, heartbroken, and just completely numb. A lot of WHY questions run through my mind, but I don't even let myself go there, because I don't want to get bitter. But I am going to let myself cry and grieve... but I am not going to let this stop me in my tracks and fall into a hole of despair. God's desire is to bless us... but he gives and takes away and it is all for his glory. I trust in that. The day before I found out I was pregnant, I wrote in my journal relating to infertility:
So what now? I have another blood test in the morning and then at 1pm I have an appt with my doctor. They are going to wait another week to do an ultrasound if it makes sense. Obviously if my HCG levels drop - the pregnancy is ending and there will be no need for an ultrasound. In the meantime, I am taking the doctors advice and staying home and resting and keeping my feet up. If this pregnancy is viable yet, I am pretty sure I'll be high-risk until this bleeding is over. I still have some hope for a miracle, but I have to say I'd be completely shocked if I'm not miscarrying. But God is in the business of surprises and miracles, so we will just have to see. Thank all of you for your prayers and support! I know a lot of people don't share their pregnancies til later on in fear that something will go wrong and they'll have to tell all these people about their loss. I must say, I wouldn't have it any other way. We had told some friends (and were about to tell others next weekend) and a lot of people at church and our families. It has meant the WORLD to have these people surrounding us in prayer and supporting us as we go through this difficult time. I think next time we will tell people right away again.
Anyway - thank you for your prayers. I'll keep you all updated as I learn more about what is going on.
May 3, 2010 was one of the best days of my life. I got up on that Monday morning and took a pregnancy test on a whim. I knew it was early, only 10dpo, but I had a test so I thought, what the heck. I took the test, set it on the bedside table, and got back to reading my devotions. I somewhat forgot about it, seeing as I had seen hundreds of "Not Pregnant" tests before, but happened to glance at it... seeing the bold clear words "Pregnant". I was thrilled! After 10 months of trying, we finally had our BFP. I had a fun way I was hoping to share my pregnancy news with Jordan but when I saw the test, all of that flew out the window and I went to the bathroom where he was shaving and shoved the test in front of his face. He smiled, said "Cool!" and we couldn't have been happier. The next couple of weeks were spent dreaming about this little one, planning how we would arrange the nursery and guest bedroom, and beginning to hack at our long list of names that we loved.
That didn't last for long though. On May 22, 2010, at 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, I noticed some spotting when I went to the bathroom. Knowing that it could be completely normal, I kind of wrote it off, but when it continued through the afternoon I called my doctors office and spoke to the on-call doctor. He pretty much told me to rest easy, but if the bleeding got heavier to go to the ER. The bleeding stayed the same for most of Saturday, but on Sunday morning I found that it wasn't just spotting anymore, but a lot of blood - clots and all. Jordan had to play at church, but I didn't, so I was at home by myself and called Jordan freaking out - telling him that we needed to go to the ER. He found someone to cover for him the 2nd half of the service, and came home so we could go to the ER. The bleeding continued and we waited in the ER for nearly 2 hours before we were seen. I had a regular ultrasound and a transvaginal ultrasound which showed a gestational sac, but no yolk sac or fetal pole. I also had bloodwork done which showed my HCG levels in the 700 range, which is very low for 6 weeks. All of this - not good signs. 5 hours later... we arrived home, and heartbroken.
The bleeding has continued through today. I don't really know what to make of all of this. I suppose there is a glimmer of hope that this baby could still be alive, but in reality with the information we have, I know that is a long shot. I don't even really know what to feel. I am devastated, heartbroken, and just completely numb. A lot of WHY questions run through my mind, but I don't even let myself go there, because I don't want to get bitter. But I am going to let myself cry and grieve... but I am not going to let this stop me in my tracks and fall into a hole of despair. God's desire is to bless us... but he gives and takes away and it is all for his glory. I trust in that. The day before I found out I was pregnant, I wrote in my journal relating to infertility:
In church today, we talked about responding to suffering - in that we need to draw near to the kingdom of God in our suffering. I know to myself, my suffering of not getting pregnant is at times all-consuming. In comparison, people have made it through MUCH more. And God has always been faithful. So - in this season of suffering, I will daily draw near to God and seek him first - above all else - above a child. Because I know he is good and because I choose trust.
I am going to continue to choose trust in this season of loss. And I am going to continue to seek God first, because that is the ONLY way I know how to continue. I've found comfort in some verses shared by friends:
Our friends and family have been absolutely amazing. Praying constantly for us and offering help and encouragement and love. And I must say, right now I feel at peace. I don't feel like this all the time, but I know that God has a reason and a plan and a time for everything under the sun. I just HAVE to cling to that.Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. (2 Thessalonians 3:16)
1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore. (Psalm 131)
So what now? I have another blood test in the morning and then at 1pm I have an appt with my doctor. They are going to wait another week to do an ultrasound if it makes sense. Obviously if my HCG levels drop - the pregnancy is ending and there will be no need for an ultrasound. In the meantime, I am taking the doctors advice and staying home and resting and keeping my feet up. If this pregnancy is viable yet, I am pretty sure I'll be high-risk until this bleeding is over. I still have some hope for a miracle, but I have to say I'd be completely shocked if I'm not miscarrying. But God is in the business of surprises and miracles, so we will just have to see. Thank all of you for your prayers and support! I know a lot of people don't share their pregnancies til later on in fear that something will go wrong and they'll have to tell all these people about their loss. I must say, I wouldn't have it any other way. We had told some friends (and were about to tell others next weekend) and a lot of people at church and our families. It has meant the WORLD to have these people surrounding us in prayer and supporting us as we go through this difficult time. I think next time we will tell people right away again.
Anyway - thank you for your prayers. I'll keep you all updated as I learn more about what is going on.
5.05.2010
Update.
I haven't updated in awhile... so I thought I'd share some of what's going on. Nothing new to report as of yet. I did meet with my *NEW* doctor last week, Dr. Edvenson, and he was very encouraging and helpful. He said my charts look great (to which I responded... "umm... thanks??") and gave me a prescription for 2 more rounds of clomid and said if I'm not pregnant in 2 more months to go back and see him. He said he doesn't like to give people false hope, but he feels good about our situation. He said sometimes if you ovulate irregularly, your eggs aren't the best quality, etc, and so you can't get pregnant easily... so with clomid and ovulating regularly, things should turn around.
I have just felt so encouraged lately. We have shared our struggle with our small group and a couple of weeks ago they laid hands on us and prayed for us. It was just so uplifting and I really feel the peace of God in it all.
So - here's hoping for a January baby!
I have just felt so encouraged lately. We have shared our struggle with our small group and a couple of weeks ago they laid hands on us and prayed for us. It was just so uplifting and I really feel the peace of God in it all.
So - here's hoping for a January baby!
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