At a crossroads.

Up until this point, I have been keeping two blogs.  This one (for more detailed TTC info) and my personal one.  Now that we have announced our pregnancy, I don't really want to keep up with both blogs.  I have decided to merge the two blogs.  I am going to export all these posts to my other blog and keep updating that one.  It is kind of sad to end this one... although I may come back some day if I need a more private blog again.  But until then, you can find me here!

www.lgriffis.blogspot.com

12 weeks!

Well - I THOUGHT that I was over the nausea, but this morning I woke up not feeling so hot again.  I do think I am on the up-swing, and am VERY grateful to have my appetite back.  On another note - I am stopping progesterone today.  I have been on 200-400mg of progesterone since 6 weeks pregnant.  It should be fine to stop now, as the placenta has fully taken over.  It does make me slightly nervous, as I know it is needed to sustain a pregnancy, but I trust my Dr. and he says taking it at this point would make absolutely no difference since the placenta is producing it.  Also - he said taking it too long can make little boys look like little girls (YIKES!!).  So... I am stopping. :-)  Okay - updates!!


Today's date: September 13, 2010

How far along: 12 weeks 1 day
Total weight gain: Still ZERO.  Couldn't tell it by looking at me though. 
Size and growth of the baby: From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long (about the size of a plumb) and weighs half an ounce.   His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. 
Sex: Too soon.
Maternity clothes: Bella Band is a must, except for 1 pair of jeans.  The girls at work can see a noticeable difference in the past week.  To the rest of the world, I just look chunky.
Sleep: I am getting up at least once a night to go to the bathroom...sometimes twice. Sleep is still good, beside that.
Best moment(s) of the week: My appetite has returned!!  It is amazing to eat like a normal person!!
Movement: Too soon to feel, though it's happening. :)
Food cravings/aversions: None today!!  Yippee!!
Morning sickness: Back a little bit this morning, but overall seems to be going away.
Symptoms: Fatigue, headaches, bloated belly.
Labor signs: Way too soon.
Belly button in or out: In.
What I miss: I feel like now that I have an appetite, I need to be more health conscious.  When I was sick and had no appetite, I literally ate ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that sounded remotely good.  I had to or else I would starve.  Now, I feel like I gotta cut back on the ice cream and fast food.  
What I'm looking forward to: Getting out of 1st trimester (3 days to go)!!  And my next Dr. appt on Thursday!!  YAY!

What's going on this week:
The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

200.

200!!!  That is how many days are left until this little bean is due!  It seems like a long time when you think of it that way.  But I am OVER one quarter of the way through with this pregnancy deal.  When I think of it in that perspective, holy cow, time is flying!!

I have been a SLACKER when it comes to this blog.  For sure.  And I am sorry.  BUT - I am here to update!

Things are going great.  I am now 11.5 weeks and feeling better every day.  The nausea comes in spurts but is not all day every day by any means.  I am also officially wearing the Bella-Band with some pants.  I can still button them, but they are outrageously uncomfortable!  I don't feel pregnant... I just feel like I have totally let myself go and am chunking up.  Hopefully it will look more "bump-ish" soon instead of chunk-ish. :-)  

I ordered some itty-bitty cloth diapers that were super on sale.  I plan on cloth-diapering this babe and decided why not start my stash?  ALSO - it is baby week at Target and my favorite crib is on sale... so I did it.  I bought the crib.  Isn't it beautiful??  Although I am not getting this bedding. (I will be making my own.)  I felt a little weird ordering it sooo early... but hey, I need a crib.  And why not pay $50 less?  And I love it.

Today's date: September 8, 2010

How far along: 11 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain: ZERO.  I have fluctuated a bit between -4 and where I am at now.  I lost a bit in the past few weeks, but my appetite is back now, so I don't think I'll have a problem putting it on.
Size and growth of the baby: Your baby, just over 1 1/2 inches long and about the size of a fig (or a lime!), is now almost fully formed. Baby's hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under the gums, and some of the bones are beginning to harden.
Sex: Too soon... but feeling boy vibes.
Maternity clothes: Officially in the Bella-Band with some work clothes.  I can still fit in my normal jeans just fine, but they feel tighter than usual.
Sleep: I am getting up at least once a night to go to the bathroom...sometimes twice. Sleep is still good, beside that.
Best moment(s) of the week: About a week ago we heard the heartbeat with the doppler. :-)  Sooo beautiful.  Otherwise - I am enjoying feeling good!!
Movement: Too soon to feel, though it's happening. :)
Food cravings/aversions: None today!!  Yippee!!
Morning sickness: Seems to be going away.
Symptoms: Fatigue, headaches, bloated belly... and my finger nails are AWESOME.  Seriously, my nails have never been so strong.
Labor signs: Way too soon.
Belly button in or out: In... not even close to really showing yet.
What I miss: My waistline... slowly disappearing.
What I'm looking forward to: Getting out of 1st trimester (10 days to go)!!  And my next Dr. appt on Thursday!!  YAY!

What's going on this week:

She's already busy kicking and stretching, and her tiny movements are so effortless they look like water ballet. These movements will become more frequent as her body grows and becomes more developed and functional. You won't feel your baby's acrobatics for another month or two — nor will you notice the hiccupping that may be happening now that her diaphragm is forming.

176.

I think a baby's heartbeat is the most beautiful sound in the world.  I remember clearly at the ER at the end of May, going to the ER and just hoping and waiting for a heartbeat that I never heard.  I am finding myself very emotional about our loss today - even though I know there is a bouncing gummy baby inside of me right now.  I am SO happy to have this baby, but still so sad that I was never able to make it this far with my first baby.  It is a weird mix of emotions.  It is hard for me to be TRULY excited without a good dose of fear.  Especially because I have been bleeding/spotting for my ENTIRE pregnancy.  God - your lesson on sovereignty is understood!  It is OUT of my hands!!

But, I have good news.  Three days ago I had a doctors appt at 8 weeks 3 days and I heard my gummy baby's heartbeat again.  176.  Nice and strong.  He said I am not bleeding from my uterus, but my cervix and it is nothing to worry about.  Well... I still worry.  So long as there is blood - I will worry, but I am becoming a bit more numb to it at least.

I will be 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow! (Yippee!!) And in 2 weeks I get to stop progesterone supplements, which will hopefully aide in me feeling better.  And in 4 weeks I will be in 2nd trimester (finally) and have another doctors appt where we will hopefully hear the heartbeat yet again.

Still praying for my gummy baby... stick baby stick.

8 weeks.

Today's date: August 15, 2010

How far along: 8 weeks

Total weight gain: I think -2 pounds... NO appetite and tons of food aversions.  I think I'll easily be within the 3-5 pound range for 1st trimester.

Size and growth of the baby: The size of a raspberry, about .63". Baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though it can't be felt yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

Sex: Too soon... but feeling boy vibes.

Maternity clothes: Not yet, but I couldn't help but order some $17 jeans from Old Navy and some work pants.  I also got some hand-me-down maternity clothes from friends.  It will probably be awhile before I wear them though.

Sleep: I am getting up at least once a night to go to the bathroom...sometimes twice. Sleep is still good, beside that.

Best moment(s) of the week: Probably yesterday... when I finally felt truly pregnant with all the symptoms hitting at once.  It felt totally awful, but was the reassurance I was praying for that things are growing like they should.

Movement: Too soon to feel, though it's happening. :)

Food cravings/aversions: I feel like I am having aversions to most things... and can only stomach a few select things... it is string cheese, bananas, apples with peanut butter, cereal, and pasta for me.  I ate some Taco Bell last night and half way though I couldn't do it anymore... and strangely enough the same thing happened with a bowl of ice cream today.  I thought for sure I could do ice cream, but I guess not.

Morning sickness: Yeah - hit like a bomb yesterday... only I have evening/night sickness and not morning sickness.

Symptoms: Fatigue, headaches, heartburn, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea (is this TMI yet??)... all these symptoms seem to have a mind of their own though.  One day I'll feel totally great and another they will all hit at once.

Labor signs: Way too soon.

Belly button in or out: In... not even close to showing yet.

What I miss: My appetite.

What I'm looking forward to: Getting out of 1st trimester!!  And my next Dr. appt and ultrasound on Wednesday!!  YAY!

What's going on this week:

Your baby is developing at an amazing rate during these early weeks. Eyelid folds and ears are forming. Your baby's eyes are still very wide apart on the sides of her head, but will eventually center themselves out. The tip of the nose is actually present at this time as well. On ultrasound you can see that the aortic and pulmonary valves of the heart are present. The tubes that lead from the throat to lungs are branching and your baby's torso is getting longer and beginning to straighten out. Just a few weeks ago, your baby's arms were tiny buds. Now the elbows are actually present and the arms and legs extend forward and have grown longer. Fingers and toes are becoming visible also.
 

I think I'm really pregnant.

I was getting nervous because I had slight nausea between weeks 6-7 and then this whole week I have felt GREAT!!  Before - with my miscarriage I noticed I lost my symptoms about 2 days before I started bleeding... so this terrified me.  I was trying to stay positive that maybe I was lucky??

Well... I spoke too soon and may regret saying those prayers for symptoms.  They ALL came to get me today.  SERIOUS fatigue, headaches, heartburn, nausea... ugh.  I was hanging out with a friend and was just waiting until I started feeling well enough to drive myself home and as soon as I got home totally puked up anything I ate today.

I guess I was just a bit too impatient... uggh.

Milestones.

I am now 7 weeks pregnant.  I am SO SO blessed to be here.  I never made it to 7 weeks last time, as I miscarried before I reached that point.  It feels so good to be 7 weeks and know things are completely different from last time.  I have seen my little bean's heartbeat and know that my risk of miscarriage is less than 5%!  It is still hard to keep spotting and not worry.  I know my doctor said to expect it, but I don't like it one bit and am just praying that it all resolves itself and isn't going to get worse.


But still - I am so thankful, because here we are at 7 weeks!!  I have started feeling nauseous this past week.  I think that "morning sickness" should be called "whenever-it-feels-like-coming sickness".  The mornings are typically when I feel the best.  Usually come afternoon and evening, I feel totally rotten.  I have a love-hate relationship with food right now as well.  I feel sick when I'm hungry and I feel sick when I eat... and I need to eat, but the food aversions are awful so I am on a diet of string cheese and bananas these days (the only thing that sounds remotely good).  Not really - I am eating more, but only because I know I have to.  And the fatigue!  Usually come 1-2pm I hit a wall and am totally wiped out.  All of this to say, I am not complaining... these are the very symptoms I have been praying for, because I didn't have ANY of this my last pregnancy that ended in miscarriage.  It is a sign that something good is happening and my body is changing like crazy.


What's going on this week:


The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry.

If you could see inside your womb, you'd spot eyelid folds partially covering her peepers, which already have some color, as well as the tip of her nose and tiny veins beneath parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of your baby's brain are growing, and her liver is churning out red blood cells until her bone marrow forms and takes over this role. She also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. A loop in your baby's growing intestines is bulging into her umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from her tiny body.

{I promise the baby will get cuter.}

WOW.

That is all I have to say.  Okay, maybe not... but it pretty much sums up this past month or so.

I know I haven't been around lately, but I promise I have good reason.  You see, on July 5 I FINALLY ovulated... and I, thinking that I can't get pregnant without clomid, didn't think much of it.  In fact, when I started bleeding around 9-10 days later, I called my doctor and have in my possession my next cycle of clomid.  However, that bleeding lasted for a day and then disappeared.  I thought that was odd... I also was SUPER SUPER moody and Jordan told me I was acting like I was pregnant... so I decided to test and low and behold WE ARE PREGNANT... AGAIN!?!?!?!

Did that seriously just happen to us???  To US?!  Who tried for a year with no luck and only got pregnant on fertility drugs and lose it... did we seriously just get pregnant without help?!?

So we're thrilled!!  Although this past week has been tainted because I started spotting.  I was terrified because this is around the same time my miscarriage started last time.  It is very different this time though.  The spotting subsided after 2 days instead of turning into full flow after 24 hours.  My hCG is in the tens of thousands instead of the lowly 700 that it was before when I miscarried.  And after a whole lot of frustration and a switch of my OB doctor, I got in today for an ultrasound.  And there was our little bean, with his/her heart flickering away at 120 beats per minute!!!!!

I am on cloud nine.  God is good and I never EVER thought we would be blessed in this way.  But there is indeed a baby growing inside of me, and it has a heart beat!!

I am due March 27, 2011. :-)  And I just realized that today at 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant... the day I saw my babe's heartbeat for the first time, is the same day that miscarried everything last time.  My fears have subsided for the time being and I am just enjoying pregnancy... nausea, food aversions, sore boobs and all.  I am thrilled and SO SO SO blessed!

Another step forward.

What a wirlwind... I don't know what my body is doing right now.  I am 10dpo, but my body keeps acting like it is getting AF... but it is on and off.  I'll have heavy bleeding, then it will totally stop and there will be nothing... then bleeding again.  I don't know what is going on - but I guess that is to be expected after a miscarriage.  I have taken HPT's the past couple of days and they are all BFN's... to be expected.  I think I have it in my head that I can't get pregnant without clomid.  At least I don't expect to.  But the good thing is - I called my doctor today and he is putting me back on clomid right away!!  YAY!!!  I am so excited... I was really nervous that he was going to tell me to wait another cycle, but considering this one was 60 days I think it is pretty obvious I need it.  Especially with this crazy bleeding/spotting.  I am PRAYING that this month will be our month.  I am just thrilled to be on clomid again.

I am going to make some other changes in my life as we get back into the swing of things too.  First of all - I am going to try to start doing yoga every day.  Now, I don't think that this will be the trick to get pregnant, but I've read some research articles lately saying it can be somewhat beneficial.  I guess a lot of yoga moves gets your blood circulating all over your body - including your reproductive organs.  I have heard of people even "massaging" their uterus from the outside of their stomach to stimulate blood flow... supposedly that helps with your lining as crazy as that sounds.  Anyway - I think yoga could only help and do no harm... not to mention just the other health reasons as it is good to stretch and use it as a stress reliever.  I have been running lately, but now that I am on clomid again I won't be able to.  I plan to keep walking *briskly* and even do some incline work on the treadmill to keep up my aerobic activity without jostling my ovaries around.  It is so odd you can't really exercise while on clomid, but here is why:

"Some exercise is acceptable during treatment, but as the treatment cycle progresses only low impact exercise (walking) is recommended. The ovaries may become enlarged from the fertility medications you may be taking, and high impact exercise may put you at risk for ovarian torsion, where the ovary can twist on itself. This is very rare, but a serious side effect."

Yikes... so I am going to do what I can to avoid THAT from happening.  Some other things I plan on doing is drinking LOTS AND LOTS of water... continuing to take Evening Primrose Oil (the ONLY thing that helped with my CM... especially on clomid), taking B-6, and using OPK's as I did last time.  The first cycle on clomid I O'd on CD16 and the second on CD20.  Way way better than CD45.

I am soooo happy to be done with that first cycle after my miscarriage.  I feel that I am finally moving on (at least in the TTC sense) and being pro-active again.  If this month works, chances are we'll have an April baby.  I'm praying for that baby already in hope that I will conceive and meet him/her soon.

More truth.

We sang this song in church yesterday... and I understood it more deeply than I ever have before.  I am finding that lately - that scripture and worship rings truer in my heart in my desperation.  Not just words, and not even just praise... but truth and brokenness and promises.

Your grace is enough
More than I need

My thoughts... what does it really mean for God to be ENOUGH for me... something I have been challenged with for the past 6 months.  If nothing else goes my way, will I let God's grace be enough... because it has the ability to... and how do I do that??

And your word I will believe

A statement of commitment... I am realizing that throughout this journey I have truly struggled with unbelief... like, I know that God says he will carry our burdens... that he blesses those who wait, etc... but I haven't believed it... I have been overcome by fear, but this statement makes me realize that belief is a choice... and that I need to submerge myself further into God's word to get to know the character of God even deeper.

I wait for you
Draw near again
And your spirit make me new

This is where I am... waiting... knowing that when I draw near to God, he will draw near to me.  I will be the first to admit that I have been lacking in the "draw near" area lately... it has more been run away and hide than drawing near... but that is not the right response.

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

My promise... only a whisper right now, but I will fall... I need to stop trying to stand on my own, and just fall at God's feet and give up to his grace.  I don't know why I always live like my way is better.  It is not.  So I will fall at his feet and worship him... face down, exhausted, and ready to be emptied and filled again.  And I will worship, because he is here, he is sovereign, and he is God!

Alive.

It has been awhile since I've written, but I am here... alive and well.

Actually, feeling more full and alive than I have for a long time. I don't know what it is, but I think I have finally found some peace. I have come to a quiet in my soul where I know that God is a God of love, and not pain... and that he is the God that rejoices with me in happy times, and walks slowly with me in desperate times.

Today - I am letting go of my agenda and my idea of what my life should look like... I am letting go of my expectations of myself, people, and especially God... I am letting go of fear, worry, anxiety... and I am clinging to hope, peace, joy... and the way I have grown and will continue to grow throughout this whole experience. I will forever be changed by this, but that is what God had in mind all along right? He does nothing and allows nothing in vain, but for his glory.

I finally ovulated this week... I am 7dpo right now - so waiting another 5 days or so to test. This is panning out to be a 62 day cycle... lovely. If I do get AF, I am calling my doctor right away to get clomid. I can't wait another 62 days to start. I thought I was totally out of the running, but there is still hope for a March baby!

Pray for a sticky baby for me... and that my fear would continue to be replaced with hope and peace.

Where I am.

Oh Lord my heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not raised to high for Thee
I do not think on things to great or marvelous
Or matters too difficult for me

But I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child is my soul within me
I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child with its mother is my soul within me

O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore
O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore

Psalm 131 - as done by Waterdeep.

I feel like this past week I was able to calm and quiet my soul.  (P.S. if you have not heard Waterdeep's song of that verse - look it up!)  But, like a wave as we come back home I am reminded of my sadness... of my loss and my desperation for God. 

Jordan and I had some good conversations this past week about our situation, our loss, and our hope.  At one point I asked him if he thought I'd ever get over this sadness I feel over our loss. If pregnancy will somehow erase it and I really don't know.  He continued to say that he thinks that sadness and/or happiness is a choice I make.  I understand what he was saying... he has chosen happiness and to be positive and to move on from this.  I think what he doesn't understand is that this is a choice that I haven't needed to make once, but over and over and over... so much so that it is exhausting.  I am faced with this struggle and the need to choose optimism over my sadness.  I wish I could just decide it once and be done with it, but I can't.  It comes back.  It is my struggle to face right now... and I just hope I can respond in a way that brings glory to God... even in those moments when I lose and don't have it in me to stop being sad.

On the other hand, I have come to embrace and somewhat love that this is our journey... right here, right now.  It is these days that are critical in forming who I will be on the other side of this struggle... who I will continue to be as a wife, as a future mother, as a friend, etc.  God has us here for a reason and I firmly believe that.  I am not going to say it isn't painful - if you read this at all, you know it is difficult... but it is my story and my struggle.  But God is the author of my life and I trust him.  I may never understand why, but I know there is a reason why.

Anyway... I am still waiting to ovulate - and I think I probably won't this cycle.  Either that or it will be another of those 60 day cycles.  I took a pregnancy test today just in case and it was a BFN.  I hadn't taken a pregnancy test since I was pregnant last... it was kind of weird, but at least I know if I get a BFP it will be a true one (not some weird left-over BFP from the miscarriage).  I am counting down the days until the end of July so I can call my doctor and schedule an appointment with him and get back on clomid.  I think considering how outrageously long this cycle is turning out to be, there is a good chance we'll go back on clomid.  I just hope that my body responds just as well.  I am still praying for a spring or early summer baby for 2011. 

Psalm 139:16
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Taking a break.

Yes you heard me... this next week is about me and Jordan and me and God... as much as I want to keep charting and checking OPK's and trying, I feel on the verge of it just consuming me right now - and I need to put a stop to it.  So, for this next week I am going away.  No internet, no charting, no OPK's... just taking a break.

I am so excited for this opportunity to get away.  I fully intend on taking this time to focus on Jordan and I and our relationship... but even more so to evaluate where I am at spiritually and just re-focus myself.  This whole experience has challenged me spiritually and emotionally more than anything... I sometimes feel like to address my doubts and challenges means just falling apart.  I am afraid and insecure.  I didn't used to be, but today I feel that I am.  I am no longer naive.  I need to take this week to just empty myself of my expectations, my plans... and ask God to fill me.  I don't know what this looks like right now, but I know it needs to happen.

On Sunday, or worship leader challenged us: What is so "big" in your life that the pinky of God cannot reach out and touch and change??

I realize I have doubted God's power.  I have to keep being reminded that he is more powerful than science, than my fears and doubts.  There are strongholds in my life I need to let go of - and fear is one of them.

In response to the question above I wrote: Answer: nothing.  Now I just need to believe it.

I have been challenged for the past many months by the people at our church really pressing the importance of discipleship and walking with people to be encouraged and challenged spiritually.  This is something I have felt is lacking in my life.  I don't really know what to do about it... I have plenty of Christian friends, but very rarely do we really talk spiritual stuff.  And it can't be because we're all just okay and doing great... because I feel like that is impossible... either that or I am just more of a mess than I realize. :-)  But... I just feel like that needs to change in my life.  I don't know what that means or what that looks like, but this week I plan on praying hard about that... praying for people to truly walk with.  To meet and pray and fellowship and gain wisdom and advice from.  I don't know who those people are, but I know God created me for relationships and for raw transparency in those relationships.  I think we have all had the walls up for too long.

As they said in church on Sunday:

There are no "free" relationships.  There are either followers in Christ who need encouragement, or people who need to know Christ. 

 God... break me and use me for your glory.  Empty me and fill me with you.  Break down my walls, my barriers, my pride that keeps me from meeting you - and show me your will for me life. 

Too good to be true.

I guess I spoke to soon.  I think this month is going to be anovulatory.  I keep getting positive OPK's (like WAY more than I should...) but no temp change.  So it seems that my body is trying to gear up to O, but it just isn't happening.  My temps are WAY too low for post-O.  So... just waiting agian.  Hopefully I do O eventually, but I have a feeling I won't this time.  I've never had an anovulatory cycle (just late O), but I've heard it is very common after a miscarriage.  At least I only have 5 more weeks to wait and then my Dr. will prescribe clomid.  I'm going to contact him in a month if I don't have AF... or if I know I am not pregnant by then.  It is so frustrating!!

It is hard to believe that this week marks one month since my miscarriage.  This past month has been one of the most challenging and difficult times of my life.  It is still a roller-coaster and I just can't wait til it is all over.  I think one of the most difficult things is just not knowing when this journey is going to end.  I know I am forever changed by this experience.  I have needed to learn a whole different way of trusting God and I know that it has stretched me more than I ever could have been otherwise.  I have been struggling lately with just growing bitterness and jealousy.  I really HATE feeling this way, but it has been a serious struggle.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends, but if I am being truly honest, it has been difficult for me to see them go through an entire pregnancy and me still not be pregnant.  I have these feelings that it should be me... that I should be going through that with them, but I'm not... and so now here is an entire area of our lives that I can't relate to.  It is something so joyful and exciting for them, while at the same time is the very source of my greatest pain.  Most of the time I don't know how to deal with this.  I don't know how to just be happy and separate my situation from theirs.  Because we have gone through everything else together.  The thing is... I truly truly am excited for them... my emotions just aren't always there.  And I just have to say that I am sorry for that... and I do love you all.  And I hope you understand. 

So there is that struggle... along with fear and just feeling like the world is completely unfair.  At the same time, I experience waves of God's faithfulness and peace and love.  And I know that he is for me and he will take care of me.  But I still doubt... I wish I could emotionally FEEL what I know my head believes.  But that is my struggle.  I KNOW God loves me, he is for me, he will take care of me, he died FOR ME... but emotionally, I doubt and fear and get angry.  I find I need to constantly be turning back to God to keep my head on straight.  It is hard.  It is not fun... but I do trust (in my heart) that God will use this for his glory.

Anyway... I feel that I should share some thoughts and questions/challenges from my devotional times the past week.  Maybe someone can take this and find some nuggets of truth or just something to relate to.  It has been impressed on me how important it is to be transparent, raw, share life together, and share in our struggles to support each other. :-)  No facade, no walls, no fear... nothing but truth and love.  Imagine if we all lived this way!  What a challenge.

What does it mean to freely give of myself?

What does it mean to be transparent and KNOWN?

How do I make this happen in my relationships?

Raw, real, genuine, loving, and giving of myself.

Freely - without walls, bitterness, fear, contention.

GOD... break down these walls.  Protect me from bitterness.  Give me the courage to do what you ask.  Empty me - and fill me with you.  Your plan, your love, your hope.

Waiting again.

What a crazy couple of weeks it has been.  Next week Jordan and I leave for vacation... going to my Aunt and Uncle's cottage for a week... with no plans, no agenda, nothing.  WE SOOO NEED THIS.  I can't wait!!

I am also pretty sure I ovulated yesterday.  I was surprised to O this early... CD25 (or CD19 if you count from when I actually miscarried instead of started bleeding).  I am not on clomid right now and I am SHOCKED that I O'd this early on my own.  I hope it means that my body has decided to become somewhat regular.

Anyway... all that to say that we could use your prayers!!  I'd love it if we got pregnant right away... of course all I really want is a healthy baby.  I have decided that I am not going to test until after we get back from vacation, which will put me at 15 or 16dpo and I would certainly be able to get a positive test then... or I just won't test because AF will come and I will have my answer.

I am just praying for a spring baby... if we conceive this cycle that would make us due in March.  March-June would be okay with me... of course, again, these are my plans... and I just need to let it go, but I think having a time frame that I can be patient with helps me in the meantime... it helps me if I don't get pregnant this cycle to know that I can be okay with that and I still have 2-3 more months.  Of course it won't replace my January baby... nothing will.  But I am clinging to some hope. 

Thanks for your prayers!!  Praying for our March baby. :-)

Excuses.

When you know that you should do something and you do it, immediately you know more. Examine where you have become sluggish, where you began losing interest spiritually, and you will find that it goes back to a point where you did not do something you knew you should do. You did not do it because there seemed to be no immediate call to do it. But now you have no insight or discernment, and at a time of crisis you are spiritually distracted instead of spiritually self-controlled. It is a dangerous thing to refuse to continue learning and knowing more. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

I feel like this is the story of my life right now.  Let's be honest... I have been lacking discipline in a big way.  I find excuses, but in reality I have been spiritually lazy.  There are the things I know I SHOULD do... like read my bible daily, even just a few verses... but I don't.  I don't pray like I should.  I don't take the time every day to center myself spiritually and put my focus on God.  And I have totally felt the repercussions.  I am spiritually distracted. 

For example... this struggle with getting pregnant and my miscarriage.  It is a completely devastating thing, but in reality I have a choice how I am going to respond.  I can seek God, or I can hide from him.  I can chose trust or I can chose fear.  And I have to admit, there are definitely moments when I find myself drowning in fear and not even wanting to face God.  I think to a degree that is fine.  I mean, God never asked me to put on a facade and act like I am okay and I am happy when I am not.  It is perfectly fine for me to be angry and to wrestle over this with God.  It is okay for me to question and express my doubt.  But... in all of that, I need to continue to draw near to God and bring ALL of this to him.  I need to trust despite my doubt and fear. 

This has been a real struggle and journey for me.  I have never had to seriously struggle with anything like this before.  I have never had something shake my trust so bad as this infertility and miscarriage journey, and it is difficult to not feel entitled to a certain type of behavior or outlook.  But now I am at the point where I see something I need to do... and I must do it.  I must change my behavior and in turn I will gain faith and hope. 

Some truths spoken to my heart.

God is bigger and stronger.

The creator of life - more powerful than science.

He does nothing out of vain, but has a purpose for me and a reason for my pain.

He is the King of all and nothing can separate me from his love.

He doesn't change - even when I do.  He doesn't stop loving or caring when I can't even utter a prayer.  He still loves.  And he waits.  He covers me in my lack of faith.

He KNOWS.  Just like I lost a child, so did he - in a much more brutal fashion - and intentionally FOR ME.

This is the small slice of hope and faith I cling to today.

Textbook Miscarriage.

Apparently I had a "textbook" miscarriage.  I have been hearing this a lot from this doctor.  I had "textbook" BBT charts ("beautiful" actually)... but charts that for 10 months showed no pregnancy.  I met with him for my post-miscarriage appointment and today was told I have a "textbook" miscarriage.  I told him all that has happened this week... no more bleeding, passing of everything, etc... and find out that the results from my Tuesday blood work showed my hCG at 14.  That is a drop of over 600 in a week.  This level wouldn't even show up on a pregnancy test anymore.  Chances are, by the weekend it will most definitely be back to zero.  This is a good thing... hopefully my body will be "texbook" in getting back on track.

One of the main things that has been keeping me moving forward is the desire to not give up and keep trying.  I asked my doctor today when we can start trying and he said after a couple of cycles.  His reasoning is that after miscarriage the lining of your uterus is possibly not as strong as they would like.  On the other hand, he said if we happened to get pregnant many people have successful pregnancies right after miscarriage and odds are it would be fine.  There is just a slightly higher chance of another miscarriage.  I don't know what to do.  I do NOT want to have another miscarriage, and therefore put us back again.  On the other hand, I don't want to waste any time either!  I know I should probably listen to my doctor, but I have heard of many women who have gotten pregnant right after miscarriages that went on to have successful pregnancies... my hopes are that this is my story.  I may do a happy compromise and wait for AF to come and then start trying again.  I hate to lose a month, but I am scared of miscarrying again.  The good news is, if I am not back to normal by August, he said he would like to see me again and we can go on clomid again.  If I am not pregnant by August, this is my plan. 

Another crazy thing... it almost seems like our office has a curse on it.  A co-worker of mine was pregnant with twins due in December, and literally days after I miscarried, she also lost her babies.  It is horrible.  She was 12 weeks along and thinking she was in the clear.  Just another example of how we have absolutely no control.  It has been good to talk with her, though, and share our experiences as we go through this tragedy together.  I feel for her and her husband... especially being as far along as she was.  Actually - come to think of it, her doctor told her to wait one cycle before trying again... it seems to me that different doctors just have differing opinions without any concrete reason WHY to wait.  So... I think I'll wait for one cycle and then try again.  This would give us an April baby (hopefully)... so - as you pray, pray that next Spring we would have a little bundle of joy in our arms.

Moving forward.

The month of May is over... I cannot tell you how glad I am that it is June.  May was the most difficult month of my life - a whilwind and I feel like it is almost unbelievable that it all happened to us.  This kind of stuff happens to other people - not us!  It has been hard to know how to respond.  It is weird to be the one receiving the sympathies, etc... I have just never been in this position before, but I am so so SO very thankful for everyone who has kept us in your prayers. 

This weekend turned out to be much much better than I thought.  After a horrible week, Friday was a really difficult day for me and I just felt like all the grieving caught up with me and overwhelmed me.  I almost made the decision to stay home and skip my brother-in-law's graduation ceremony.  But, I decided to go and I am thankful that I did.  As much as I didn't want to be around people, I felt good to be able to support my brother-in-law that way... and I know it would have been much much worse had I decided to spend 2 more days alone instead of being lifted up by people who love us. 

I also have the best friends ever.  On Saturday night they all came over to just spend time with Jordan and I and love on us.  They brought us dinner and as much as I thought I wanted to be alone, it has been so good to just be with people who let me talk if I want to talk, or just sit quietly if I want to sit quietly.  It has meant so much to have people who are just willing to grieve with us.

Today has been the first day I've been able to talk about the miscarriage with people and not break down in tears.  I think it is because I am finally feeling like I am physically (mostly) over it.  The bleeding has finally mostly stopped and my temperature has returned to a normal pre-pregnancy/pre-ovulation range.  I bought some OPK's yesterday and am going to continue charting and temping so we can get back on the wagon of trying right away.  I had another blood draw this morning to see if my hCG is at zero yet and have another appt with my doctor on Thursday.  I am so hopeful that this is over.  I just want to move forward.  Sometimes I am terrified of trying... all the "What if's" that creep back into my mind... but I truly am hopeful.  I know we will have children.  I don't know when that will be or how that will be, but I know that God doesn't do anything in vain or without reason.  So, I have to cling to that hope, knowing that if I don't I could possibly drown in fear.  And that is no way to live.

I have many friends that are pregnant and due in the next month to 6 months.  I am so excited to meet all of these little bundles of joy and I want each of you to know that.  My sadness of not being able to get pregnant has nothing to do with the fact that you did easily.  I am glad you never had to go through what I am going through right now.  My biggest sadness relating to this is the fact that I fear our kids will be too far apart in age to be friends... I know that is not a truly valid fear, but I need all of you to know that I love you and I cannot wait to meet all of your little babies when they are ready to meet the world.

 

Seriously.

I just got a call from my OB/GYN's office confirming my appointment for June 1... what should have been my first prenatal appointment.  Do I seriously need to call them back and tell them what is right in my records?? 

Thanks for the reminder of what is NOT going to happen.